So, I've made a choice in my life. And, I'm writing you so that I hold myself to it, and so that you can also hold me to it. Because I am good at making decisions and doing them immediately, having to wait for them to come about and fret and think about it has never really been what I do. This time I will have to wait.
I decided this week after thinking about it for months that I should move home. I love Chicago, I am sure I will be back here sometime in my life. But for now I have lost myself. I look back on the year that has passed and the year that is to come and I see a blur of mauve lines, and I. HATE. MAUVE. I hate it because all I can think about are waiting rooms. It's always the color they choose to try to bring some cheer to a boring/stressful place. Not to mention a place where you're going to sit and, well, wait.
Which is exactly what I feel like I've been doing. Letting the days pass in a blur of nothing waiting for something to happen. Except, I don't feel secure enough to take a leap and make anything happen. Somewhere between where the colors began to fade and here, I lost total sight of myself. I have lost any passion I had, and confidence, any spunk or humor. I can tell you that I do not like that feeling. I always thought that coming back to Phoenix would mean that I failed at life, that I went out into the big bad world and got my little ass whipped. Maybe I just needed these experience to help figure out what I want to do, want to be, want to achieve. Phoenix is safe and I have to realize that safe is OK. Caterpillars must tuck themselves into a safe cocoon before emerging into a lovely butterfly.
And in case you didn't know, this girl will be someone. Someday. I will find my path, my purpose and I will make you proud that you know me. I don't know that I will be moving any mountains, but that's OK I think they're happy just where they are.
2 comments:
I am proud to be your friend and it takes a lot to do what you did by moving to Chicago. You've had the experience and now you're ready for another one. You're an amazing person and moving back to Phoenix doesn't change that. I like what you said about being safe and sometimes you have to feel safe before you can make a huge decision. I think whatever you decide to do is the best choice because YOU decided to make it. You're an intelligent and wonderful woman and only you truly know yourself. Good Luck and no matter what you end up doing, you will move mountains because that's just the kind of person you are.
-Caitlin
Karlene. I feel like what I'm reading here is what I would have written right when I made my decision to move back way back in August. I felt the same loss of my self, no personality, no spunk, no Quinn. From someone just emerging from the side you are on, I want to tell you that it is possible to feel like you again. IT IS POSSIBLE. You may not believe it now, but as you take steps towards retrieving your soul (ahem read my blog, this is what I write about) you will start to feel lit bits of your shattered fragments coming back together.
And I'm here for you.
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